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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Missed, But Wanted Opportunities, Part Two

So...I told you that I found a woman with pulmonary hypertension who had children and didn't die .

But there were several differences, such as she had two babies, one before and one after diagnosis. She was younger than me at the time of the birth of both of her girls; I'm already what they consider advanced maternal age; and she is not as sick as me, she's about half as sick . (There's a classification rating from 1-4, she's about a 2, and yours truly bounces between a 3 and a 4.) And, oh yeah, she was married. Guess I should figure out which bridge comes first. I know, I know, women have babies by themselves all the time. Women raise babies by themselves all the time . But I am not that girl. I am not the girl who can look at a catalog of genetic traits and accomplishments and go for it, risking my life to be pregnant, and bring a high risk baby into the world, and then have all the resources to raise said child to adulthood . No offense to those women who are able to do that, but I have to consider the welfare of the child should I succumb. I've had several spectacular women volunteer to be my surrogate, tell me 'hurry up and find the guy' so they can give me my baby...but, my last name is still the one I was born with .

Its an interesting topic to bring up when dating, at least since I was diagnosed. I've dated a couple of really great guys, but hated that I couldn't bear them children. Its a devastating thing. Its one thing to choose not to have children because you don't want to, but when the option is taken from you its different.

Its like that woman in the bible, the aged Sarah, who 'laughed within herself' when she was told she was going to have a son in her old age. I can relate to her. I'm sure she was crying inside too. Maybe I lack in faith, maybe I believe the odds are against me . Actually, I KNOW the odds are against me. Its like what I told my cute sister-in-law: I'm sitting at a poker table, and everyone's hand is dealt, and I've got UNO cards.

Anyone who's known me for any amount of time knows the only thing I've ever wanted to be was to be a mama . Career-wise, I was all over the board . When I was around the ripe age of 3, for some reason, I wanted to be a sumo wrestler. In elementary school, my love of french fries had me thinking about working for McDonald's. Or maybe a pilot. During middle school, I thought it would be cool to know a bunch of languages and be some kind of professor, but secretly, I wanted to learn more about martial arts because our Japanese instructor was a Kendo master. In high school, I was determined to be a nurse . Or an American Gladiator. It didn't matter, I would only be doing said career until I had kids.

 I always wanted my own kids. I used to read parenting books and magazines when I was in elementary school. I started babysitting young, I became an aunt when I was almost twelve. I practiced being a mommy as often as I could, and was that girl who always asked to hold the baby. And I got pretty good at it; nannying was almost always a side job if not my main job. But its always been my favorite job, even though at the end of the day, I leave the babies where I found them, and can go home to sleep mostly uninterrupted, and never had to be back if it were my choice. But I did go back . As much as I could, I went back .

I dreaded this past Sunday at church. Even though I wanted to go, its the one day of the year that the 12-year old boys will hand all the moms some kind of flower or candy, and a 12-year old boy saw childless me and there was that hesitation of, "Am I supposed to give her one too?" Its not that I actually want the flowers or candy, (well maybe I did want the chocolate, who am I kidding?), I want the baby grabbing the candy from me . Or at least the man who would've wanted to have one with me .  Even though the hesitation was slight, I would have rather avoided both of us feeling even the tiniest bit uncomfortable .  Too late . 

But the flowers were beautiful, and the chocolate hit the spot.

I guess I'll just keep getting my baby fix borrowing other people's children. I like the smaller ones, mostly because they don't try as hard to get away. Because I'm like one of the kids I take care of -- he used to yell, "I NEED MY SNUGGLE TIME!"  Same here, kid .

Moms, remember this when it gets hard, I would gladly switch with you .

I like to think I would have been a good mama .

8 comments:

  1. You don't have to physically birth a child to be a mom. My mom (the greatest mom ever!) adopted my sister and me at the ripe age of 35, and I hope to do the same one day.

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    1. How lucky for her! I know, there are different ways to become a mom of my own kids. I would love to adopt, or have a surrogate, or be a stepmom or whatever life throws my way...but I'm not going to try unless I have a partner in crime. =)

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  2. Miki, you were born to be a mom. Seriously. I remember when I was your roommate and you had your nephew over for the weekend. It was so sweet watching you snuggle with him and take care of him and I remember thinking that exact same thought: "she was born to be a mom, and will be a great one someday." I'm so sorry for the health issues you are experiencing and the frustrations of these missed opportunities, but I love your positive outlook. and you have every reason to still hope for that opportunity. Love you!

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  3. Ditto Brooke! You taught me how to drive and spend money on crazy things like lawn chairs when you're not even in your own town! One day you will be a mama and show us all up because you're that good of one already.

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    1. Hmm...maybe, Brei. Still need a a partner in crime...

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  4. All those cute guys you like could unknowingly have like 0 sperm count and are infertile anyway, so don't worry about that!

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    1. Its true...its not always the women that are the obstacle in fertility...I'm still *kind of* hoping for a chance to try. =)

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