I recently had my fifth right heart catheterization and this one was, emotionally, the toughest.
I had my mom or my best friend there the first two times, and those are the two people I can be 100% vulnerable around. And I needed that. The next two times, I was already checked into the hospital, so I was already set in case something bad happened. But this time I forgot to plan who was going to drive me to the hospital. I hate inconveniencing people, but there's the added burden of deciding who you would want there if things go bad. And my mom and best friend have both moved out of state. They'd be there for me as soon as they could, but it would take at least six hours.
I'm fortunate to have a plethora of great friends who would happily volunteer to be my emergency contact, but who do I choose to inconvenience? Who could deal with my everything? Who do I want to see me in my worst possible state should that happen? Who could I trust to make decisions to follow through with what I would want to let me go? Its gotten pretty ugly recently, especially when I think about some of the responses from my friends when they've visited, and their tears. The last thing I want to do is scar someone.
But, all that said, I survived, and so I can put off the decision of who to list yet again. If something were to happen, my best friend is still listed as my emergency contact, and if you were to ask me under pressure or anesthesia, his is the only number I could tell you; its the only number I've bothered to memorize thanks to speed dial and smart phones.
Which gets me thinking about things that single people have to think about. Who would be your 'person when carefully planned out? Married people of course have their built in answer. Single people not so much. I sit here thinking, hmm, who would be able to stomach the ugliness of what I might have to go through to get well, or who would I authorize to make the decisions necessary that I could trust would follow through with what I would want? Of course there's that, and then there's the other end of the spectrum, the, who will be there every day if something were to go wrong. The hold my hair back when I'm vomiting moments, help me do laundry when I can't get out of bed, the creature comforts that were a given from family when you were little and you didn't have to think about who was going to take care of you. Who would I allow to see my vulnerability?
So what about you? Who would be the person when, under pressure, you contact first?
I love you so much Miki! Those are some unbelievably tough questions and situations to face, and although you know there are many of us friends who would be there in a heartbeat for you, I can only imagine how it must feel. I send you my prayers and hugs. You are amazing, and I am blessed to know you!
ReplyDeleteI love your courage, Miki. I'd contact you! Well, technically, I'd contact my wife first, but you're definitely one of the top branches in the phone tree.
ReplyDeleteMiki, You have had to face things that none of us have...alone. But, at the same time, you are never alone. If the veil were thin, I'm sure we would see angels surrounding you 24-7, even in your lowest times. Please know that you are always loved by that being who knows you best, and by all of us who have been blessed to have you in our lives.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Bonnie